Feeling Jokes / Recent Jokes
Once, two sardars were feeling bored and decided to play a few games
Of chess to pass the time.
They were doing this for some time, when two more sardar friends
Dropped by. Seeing them play chess, they said -
"come on guys, we are feeling bored too. Let us play doubles!"
An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor's office and claims that he's tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won't starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he's sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he's down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he's feeling, noticing that he's bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically. "I'm feeling great, doc; never felt better" is the reply.
"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?" asked the doctor.
"Just chewing some gum!"
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and more...
To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.
What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code List
Code Number Explanation
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5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of more...
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.
"I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied,' I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer more...