Feet Jokes / Recent Jokes
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "D-d-do y-you h-h-have d-d-dildos?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: D-d-do y-y-you h-h-have a-a-a p-p-pink one, t-t-ten inches-s-s l-l-long a-a-and a-b-bout t-t-two inches-s-s th-th-thick-k-k?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"C-c-can y-y-you t-t-tell m-m-me how-w-w t-t-to t-t-turn t-t-the f-f-fuckin' th-th-thing-g off-f-f?"
You don't sweat, you percolate.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed-walk in your sleep.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other more...
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!."
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladiesare hitting from the ladies tee.The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is readyto hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks itanother ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. Youshould have been taking golf lessons instead."
Here are some important management lessons that many of us have had to learn the hard way...
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of more...
Our house, in the middle of my feet,
Our house, which smells of cheesy feet,
Our house, will always get defeat,
Our house, will never eat those feet.
That was a song I made up
ha!!! ha!!! ha!!! ha!!!