Festival Jokes / Recent Jokes

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'TBE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD 16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too! 15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. 14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. 11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate. 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail. 7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.5. No more downloads from more...

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me' The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween HandoutsSpinach flavored Rice Cakes.Teeth removing TaffyMetamucil in a strawEx-Lax BrowniesCaramel Covered ZucchiniColored Crisco on a StickHot steaming bowl of pumpkin gutsChocolate Covered PrunesA Handful of Red ManAnything that ticks!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed! 2. Be thankful your computer isn't down! 3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down! 4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus! 5. Be thankful your server isn't down! 6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse! 7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are! 8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound! 9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72! 10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection! 11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

A Thanksgiving Cookbookby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten ClassNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.Ivette - Banana PieYou buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.Russell - TurkeyYou cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it. Geremy - TurkeyYou buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat. Andrew - PizzaBuy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Shelby - ApplesauceGo to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it. more...

Our local Eden Corn Festival is this weekend. My favorite part is the crowning of the Corn Queen, otherwise know as Queened Corn. All the girls are absolutely beautiful - not a hominy one in the bunch. The winner is usually a fairly husky girl - the thin as a stalk types don't seem to win. And it helps to wear really flashy earrings. They present her with a lovely peach cobbler for a prize. One year some folks thought the contest was fixed, but they couldn't come up with a kernal of evidence!