Fifty Jokes / Recent Jokes

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You more...

Read All About It!
A newsboy was standing at the corner with a stack of newspapers, yelling, "Read all about it! Fifty people swindled! Read all about it!"
Curious about it, a man walked over and bought a newspaper. After checking the front page and finding nothing, he said to the boy, "What are you talking about? I don't see anything in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and continued, yelling out, "Read all about it! Fifty-one people swindled!"

One day, a woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing
reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its
cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot
see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40. 00." The woman decided to
take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she
broke wind. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be
fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me forty dollars."
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck
call is another $7. 50 and the stink bait is $2. 50."

A rabbi decides, after fifty years, that the time has come for him to retire. He takes a large box, which contains foreskins he has collected over the many years of attending circumcisions, to a manufacturer of leather goods.
"Is there anything you can do with these?" he asks the craftsman.
"Sure, no problem," replies the man. "Come back in two weeks."
The rabbi returns to the shop in two weeks and is presented with a very elegant wallet. Somewhat dismayed, he says to the craftsman, "After fifty years and all those foreskins, is this the best you can do... a wallet?"
"Don't worry," the man replies. "Kiss it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase."

I met a guy in Las Vegas who really looked down in the dumps, and I asked him if he'd been cleaned out at the casinos.
He said, "It's worse than that. I blew almost all my dough, and then I was propositioned by this really great looking hooker as I was walking along the Strip.
I told her I was nearly broke, and she said, 'For sure you've still got a hundred bucks for a quick one,' but I said, 'Nope - don't have near that much.'
'Well, how about fifty bucks for a blow job?'
And I said, 'Nope - don't have fifty bucks left.'
'Well then,' she says, 'I can let you have a hand job for $25.'
And I said, 'Really, I'd love to, but I don't even have that much left.'
So she says, 'How about a wax job for five bucks?' And I tell her I've never heard of a wax job, but she says, 'Whadda ya got to lose?' and we go behind a parked car in Bally's parking lot.
So, I give her the five dollars and she kicks me in the nuts so hard the wax blows out of my ears.'"

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a
small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.
"Yes," she says, I remember it well.
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the more...

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.