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I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.

I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already more...

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're thinking of
buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.
Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.
Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly
shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.
Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing
before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date
versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.
Buffer: The only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which
most computer store salespeople are qualified.
Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto
spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're
getting real value for your money.
CD-ROM: A $30 more...

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3. 1 to GirlFriendPlus 1. 0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1. 0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1. 0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1. 0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4. 0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4. 0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running Girlfriend 2. 0 with girlfriend 1. 0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1. 0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of more...

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3. 1 to GirlFriendPlus1. 0 (marketing name: Fiancee1. 0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1. 0 to Wife1. 0, and it`s a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1. 0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn`t ask for them, Wife1. 0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I`d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4. 0:
1. A "Don`t remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4. 0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don`t lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2. 0 with Girlfriend 1. 0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1. 0, but it didn`t have an uninstall program. I tried more...

INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn’t do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until next election. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine. MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened. MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in “self-defense. ” CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file. MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - more...

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Windows 98 for my PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
2 GPFs
and Windows 98 for my PC
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 98 for my PC
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 98 for my PC
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 98 for my PC
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 98 for my PC
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 more...

"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...