Finger Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunks ass. A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what there doing.

"What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass? yells the cop.

"I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk.

"Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass", the cop says.

"I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk.

One of Microsoft's tech support reps was drafted and sent to
boot camp. at the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a
rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The
report came from the target area that all attempts had
completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech rep looked at his rifle and then at the
target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the
target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel
and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target
area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your
end!"

Confucious say:
>>>>>
>>>>> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
>>>>>
>>>>> It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better
>>>>> for boy to park meat in girl.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
>>>>>
>>>>> Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
>>>>>
>>>>> Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
>>>>>
>>>>> Man who buy drowned cat must pay more...

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off. How did this happen? The doctor asked. ”Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde replied. ”Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger? ”
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6, 000 for these boobs. Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $3, 000 to get my teeth straightened.
Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you on network marketing.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said. .."

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge more...

Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lapOhio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.Seattle: more...

REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play more...