Florida Jokes / Recent Jokes

I like Florida. Everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even
more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the
Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were more...

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't more...

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996) Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Clemson recruit Ray more...

Reacting to Federal guidelines, the State of FLORIDA, which has been highlighted as a role model for student testing by the Bush Administration's Dept. of Education, has redesigned and just released a new comprehensive test to be given to all students beginning in the spring of the 2004-2005 school year.
In response to President Bush's Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students will have to pass it to be promoted to the next grade level.
In the hopes that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, it will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test or (FART).
All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3, 4, and 5 until such a time as they are capable of achieving a FART score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program, the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language (SMELL).
If with this increased SMELL program the student cannot pass the more...

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape
Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in Africa." Her response... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried more...

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., expressed concern over what he called "over-friendly" e-mails sent by former Rep. Mark Foley to a former 16-year-old House page, saying that they threatened the GOP's reputation as jerks.