Forget Jokes / Recent Jokes

Is this your first trip to Malaysia? Are you a tourist, a businessman or a Mat Salleh expatriate waylaid from the safe haven of Bangsar? If you are, here's some lessons to help you along Lesson 1 You have just landed in Subang International Airport and the first thing you want to do is to call your Malaysian friend. If you're calling him at home or at the office, the first thing to say on the phone is "Eh, what you doing?". If you're calling him on the handphone (cellular phone) the standard greeting is "Eh, where are you?" Lesson 2 Your Malaysian friend has graciously offered to pick you from the airport. He said "Give me half an hour?", be prepared to wait at least one and a half hours. This is probably your first (of many) encounter with Malaysian Timing. There's no need to adjust your watch. Whatever time a Malaysian tells you, just add (minimum) one hour, and you won't go wrong. Lesson 3 You have no friends in Malaysia (yet) and you decide to take a more...

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: more...

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses more...

30 things people actually said in courtQuestion1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year. Question2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks. Question3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten? Question4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 yearsQuestion5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan. Question6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximatly milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Question7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Question8. Q: more...

Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to
Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do
the heavy lifting for you!

Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas]
[Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer
of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic]
[passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little......
[boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have......
[not] [sometimes] [compulsively]. ..... [lied] [cheated]
[embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always]
[often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma]
[grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other
daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid
schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes
me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I more...

This is how you know if you are addicted to the internet:
1) You kiss you girlfriend's home page.
2.) Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.
5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your kid in the overhead compartment.
8.) Your dreams are in HTML.
9.) You find yourself typing ".com" after every period when using a word processor.
10.) You turn your computer off and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
11.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
13.) more...

I shave my legs
I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
I don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
I can balance the checkbook
I can pump my own gas
I can talk to my friends about the size of my bottom
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes a long time.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong
I don't drive in circles at any cost, and I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost
I Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon every time I have to go to the john
Hey, put the seat down,'cause I won't leave it up!
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
I don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
Flowers are okay, but jewelry's best
I don't have a problem expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying, you look at the ceiling
Now, you must forward more...