Forgive Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sunday's sermon was - Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked.
"I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-Eight." She replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks "What did you do?".
The woman says "I Committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three more...

A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name? And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they more...

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I Committed adultery."Priest: "How many times?"Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."Priest: "What did you do?"Woman: "I committed adultery."Priest: "How many times?"Woman: "Three times."Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and more...

Woman in confession: Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
Preast: How have you sinned my child?
woman: I called my husband a "son of a bitch."
Preast: why did you do this.
woman: First, he took off my shirt.
Preast: Like this, (and he does it to her), that is no reason to call
him a son of a bitch.
woman: then he took off my pants.
Preast: Like this, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
woman then he took off my bra and panties.
Preast: you mean like this, that is no reason to call him a son of a
bitch.
woman: but then he had sex with me.
Preast: Like this.
(15 minutes later)
Preast: that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
woman: I know, but a week ago he told me that he had sex with another
woman and he had aids, and I have contracted it.
Preast: Well that Son of a Bitch!

there were 3 nuns and one day the first nun went up to the paster and sais paster i did somthing bad.i robbed a bank, so the paster said go and drink the holy water and god will forgive you.
the second nun went to the paster and said paster i did somthing bad.i shot and killed a child, so the paster said go and drink the holy water and god will forgive you.
the third and last nun went up to the paster and said paster i did somthing bad....i peed in the holy water.

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
"What is it son."
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"