Forks Jokes

There was a mexican that had just came to America. He did not know any english what so ever. Well the very first night he was in the USA he went to an opera. The lady was singing "me, me, me, me". The mexican remebered that. Then he went to a restraunt and rembered the waiter asking him if he wanted some forks and knives. Then when he went home he seen the glade comercial and remembers it saying "plug it in, plug it in". The next day a cop came to his door and told him that his neighbor had been stabbed to death. The cop asked if he knew he killed him and he said "me, me, me, me". The cop said" well what did you kill him with?" The mexican said "forks and knives, forks and knives". The cop took him to jail and sentenced him to the death penalty. When the mexican was sitting in the electric chair the man doing the procedure asked him if he had any last words. The mexican thought for a little bit and said "plug it in, plug it more...

Log On... Make the barbie hotter
Log Off... Don't add any more wood
Monitor... Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download... Get the firewood off the ute
Floppy Disc... What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Window... What you shut when it's cold
Screen... What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte... What mozzies do
Bit... What mozzies did
Mega Byte... What Townsville mozzies do
Chip... A bar snack
Micro Chip... What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem... What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix... Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop... Where the cat sleeps
Software... Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware... Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse... What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe... What holds the shed up
Web... What spiders make
Web Site... The shed or under the verandah
Cursor... The old bloke that swears a lot
Search Engine... What you do more...

Did you know their making a movie about the Grand Forks Flood? It's called, 'A River Runs Over It.'

THIS anecdote is of a certain Mr. Aiyar who having qualified for the Indian Civil Service was doing his probation in England. At a formal dinner, as was his habit, he began to eat with his hands. "How disgusting!" remarked the Mem Sahib sitting next to him "How can you eat with those dirty hands?"
"Madam, I wash my hands before taking a meal," replied Mr. Aiyar. "Our knives, forks and spoons are sterilized after they are used," she maintained.
Not to be outdone, Mr. Aiyar replied: "That may be so Madam. But my hands and fingers go only into my mouth. Can you say how many mouths your knives, forks and spoons have gone into?"

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye." Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you more...