Former Jokes / Recent Jokes
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a more...
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." - Former U.S. President Calvin more...
Civil War Era Humor The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War. BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company, my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and kissed me on top of the head." LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she more...
Now that one plan offered by Bush to Saddam is exile, the question is Where? Roy Rivenburg of the L.A. Times (with a little help from the newspaper The Oregonian's column The Edge) have come up with some ideas:
Fox TV: Writes Rivenburg: "On the heels of' Joe Millionaire,' Fox could produce a new series called' Joe Dictator,' in which 20 beautiful women compete to become Saddam's mistress. During the courting process Saddam would tell the women he's the potentate of an oil-rich Middle Eastern nation. Not until the final episode would he reveal the truth -- that he has been driven from power and doesn't have a single weapon of mass destruction to his name."
Pro Wrestling: If World Wrestling Entertainment needs a new bad guy, he's the perfect candidate: Saddam Insane.
"The Real World: Las Vegas": Is there room for one more stranger in the infamous hot tub?
He could become O.J. Simpson's caddy or...
Al Gore's more...
Bush and His Running Mate
Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the' short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.
For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new' Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).
Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in more...
1971. Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its nightlife, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi."
1966. Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown."
1976. Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."
1991. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't more...
Bush: Whiskers No Longer a Threat to U.S.
The search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq came to an end today as U.S. military officials found chemical, biological and nuclear weapons hidden in the scraggly beard of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
The Iraqi madman had instructed his weapons scientists to create the WMD in microscopic form so that he could carry them around on his person at all times, the officials said.
U.S. General Ricardo Sanchez said that the discovery of WMD nestled in Saddam's unkempt facial hair closes the book on one of Operation Iraqi Freedom's most enduring mysteries.
"Now we know why we never found the weapons of mass destruction," General Sanchez told reporters. "We never dreamed they were tiny enough to be hidden on someone's face."
The general added that Saddam was capable of launching his deadly weapons cache merely by shaking his head.
After he was captured, more...