Former Jokes / Recent Jokes

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- more...

The FBI is reviewing a John Edwards sex tape that was turned over by a former Edwards aide this week. Authorities are hoping to gleam from the tape whether or not the former Presidential candidate is a two pump chump.

Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Tennis more...

House Democrats kick off their self-imposed 100-hour deadline to pass priority legislation on Tuesday, beginning with a national security bill.The bill, which aims to pass recommendations by the 9/11 commission, is backed by former commission members Lee Hamilton and Tim Roemer -- a former GOP member of the House.
The legislation would require all air and shipping cargo entering the United States to be screened. The measure also would change the prioritization criteria of homeland security funds for individual states.
"If this bill... is enacted, funded and implemented, then the American people will be safer," Dick Cheney said Monday, "which is why we're against it. The people of this country don't need to be made safer by Democrats."

A journalist who saw videotape of the Monday hangings of Saddam Hussein's half-brother and the dictator's former chief judge has described how one of the men was decapitated.New York Times reporter John F. Burns told CNN's Wolf Blitzer Monday evening that Barzan Hassan's head "just snapped off," because he was apparently given too much rope and fell too far -- about eight feet -- for a man of his medium build and weight.
Barzan Hassan was a former chief of the secret police and Hussein's half-brother- well, now more like two-fifths.

In an interview yesterday former President Jimmy Carter was extremely critical of President Bush. His exact quote was `He is the worst president since me.`

Former President Jimmy Carter lashed out a President Bush today. This doesn`t usually happen. Usually former presidents tend to keep to themselves. But he attacked Bush. He said he was disappointed in just about everything Bush had done so far as president. Today Bush fired back, `Hey, if this Jimmy Carter guy is so smart, how come I never heard of him?`