Forth Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep.And the Devil said,'It doesn't get any better than this.'
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit
And God populated earth
withh broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created Fast Food Giants.
And Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger.
And Devil said to Man,'You want fries with that?'
And Man said,'Super-size them.'
And Man gain five pounds.
And God said'Why doth thou eat thus?'
I have sent the heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them.'
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And more...

After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the
animals to leave, he told the animals "To go forth and multiply."
All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the
ark.
"Why can't you go forth and multiply?" demanded Noah.
"We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude, the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...

Prior to the Entrance Hymn, the pastors will toss a coin. The winner
may elect to be the preacher or celebrant; the loser may elect to defend
the pulpit or the lectern.
The Entrance Hymn: "A Multitude Comes from the East and West"
The Setting Forth of the Rules
Any acolyte found to be in illegal motion will be assessed a
5-yard penalty or the loss of one candle
Offering plates may only move laterally; only the Peace may
be passed.
The celebrant may fake a hand-off to the lay reader and read
the lessons himself, provided changes in audible signals are
given.
A sermon in excess of 18 minutes will be regarded as "Delay
of Service" and the preacher may lose possession of the pulpit.
Gate receipts may be gathered during the halftime show.
Ushers may blitz either the celebrant or the preacher only
during announcements.
Unconfirmed communicants (ineligible receivers) may be
restricted to more...

You automatically double-knot everything you tie. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3: 00 and need a fourth... can you make it?" Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church." Hey, Joe... can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him." Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!"." Joe, don't worry... I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card... find the sin... and follow it over to the appropriate penance... it's that simple... here comes the first penetant... try it!!"So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen..."Bless me Father... I have sinned... I have had more...

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and more...