"Superbowl Sunday Order of Service, Holy Eucharist XXXI" joke

Prior to the Entrance Hymn, the pastors will toss a coin. The winner
may elect to be the preacher or celebrant; the loser may elect to defend
the pulpit or the lectern.
The Entrance Hymn: "A Multitude Comes from the East and West"
The Setting Forth of the Rules
Any acolyte found to be in illegal motion will be assessed a
5-yard penalty or the loss of one candle
Offering plates may only move laterally; only the Peace may
be passed.
The celebrant may fake a hand-off to the lay reader and read
the lessons himself, provided changes in audible signals are
given.
A sermon in excess of 18 minutes will be regarded as "Delay
of Service" and the preacher may lose possession of the pulpit.
Gate receipts may be gathered during the halftime show.
Ushers may blitz either the celebrant or the preacher only
during announcements.
Unconfirmed communicants (ineligible receivers) may be
restricted to wafers.
The celebrant may be awarded three points for correctly
announcing the Super Bowl Sunday alternate title: The
Conversion of St. Paul.
The Lessons
Exodus 14:22: Israelites make quarterback sneak across Red Sea
Ephesians 6:14-17 Dressing players with proper equipment
Matt. 28:16-20 The sending forth of the eleven
The Hymn of the Day: "Pass it on"
The Sermon: "God's Game Plan: A Play-by-Play for You"
Halftime Entertainment: The choir, organist, and handbells
The Distribution
If the pastor is trapped behind the altar railing, the laity score a
safety and the remainder of the service will be played out on the chancel
steps.
The 2-Minute Warning (played by the chimes)
Benediction and Closing cheers.
It is further suggested that this service should be videotaped so that
instant replays of the sermon can be used to judge the doctrinal
soundness of the preacher's strategy. Also, a carry-in dish tailgate
party may be held in the church parking lot.