Hymn Jokes

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will more...

Battle Hymn Of Term Finals
(Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic) Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known. Chorus:
Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known. I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known Chorus:
Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known. They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an more...

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!
JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby more...

A child came home from Sunday school and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named "Gladly." It took his mother awhile before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly, The Cross I'd Bear."

The Dentist's Hymn
"Crown Him with Many Crowns"The TV Weatherman's Hymn
"There Shall be Showers of Blessing"The Contractor's Hymn
"The Church's one Foundation"The Tailor's Hymn
"Holy, Holy, Holy"The Golfer's Hymn
"There is a Green Hill Far Away"The Politician's Hymn
"Standing on the Promises"The Optometrist's Hymn
"Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"The IRS Hymn
"All to Thee"The Gossiper's Hymn
"Pass it On"The Electrician's Hymn
"Send the Light"The Shopper's Hymn
"Sweet by and by"
If you MUST speed on the highway - sing these hymns loudly:at 45 mph...
"God Will Take Care of Me"at 55 mph...
"Guide me, O Great Jehovah"at 65 mph...
"Nearer My God to Thee"at 75 mph...
"Nearer Still Nearer"at 85 mph...
"This World is not my Home"at 95 mph...
"Lord, I'm Coming more...