Hymn Jokes / Recent Jokes

DENTIST'S HYMN: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
WEATHERMAN'S HYMN: "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
CONTRACTOR'S HYMN: "The Church's One Foundation"
TAILOR'S HYMN: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
GOLFER'S HYMN: "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
POLITICIAN'S HYMN: "Standing on the Promises"
OPTOMETRIST'S HYMN: "Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
I.R.S. HYMN: "All to Thee"
GOSSIP'S HYMN: "Pass It On"
ELECTRICIAN'S HYMN: "Send the Light"
SHOPPER'S HYMN: "Sweet By and By"

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, Church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said "Sex."

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing. .............. more...

AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE Holy Smoke! JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own. PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus more...

DENTIST'S HYMN: " Crown Him with Many Crowns"
WEATHERMAN'S HYMN: " There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
CONTRACTOR'S HYMN: " The Church's One Foundation"
TAILOR'S HYMN: " Holy, Holy, Holy"
GOLFER'S HYMN: " There is a Green Hill Far Away"
POLITICIAN'S HYMN: " Standing on the Promises"
OPTOMETRIST'S HYMN: " Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
I. R. S. HYMN: " All to Thee"
GOSSIP'S HYMN: " Pass It On"
ELECTRICIAN'S HYMN: " Send the Light"
SHOPPER'S HYMN: " Sweet By and By"

Prior to the Entrance Hymn, the pastors will toss a coin. The winner
may elect to be the preacher or celebrant; the loser may elect to defend
the pulpit or the lectern.
The Entrance Hymn: "A Multitude Comes from the East and West"
The Setting Forth of the Rules
Any acolyte found to be in illegal motion will be assessed a
5-yard penalty or the loss of one candle
Offering plates may only move laterally; only the Peace may
be passed.
The celebrant may fake a hand-off to the lay reader and read
the lessons himself, provided changes in audible signals are
given.
A sermon in excess of 18 minutes will be regarded as "Delay
of Service" and the preacher may lose possession of the pulpit.
Gate receipts may be gathered during the halftime show.
Ushers may blitz either the celebrant or the preacher only
during announcements.
Unconfirmed communicants (ineligible receivers) may be
restricted to more...

(Obviously sung to the tune of
the Battle Hymn of the Republic)


Mine eyes have seen the Teletubby
And his cutsey little purse.
He wears a purple outfit,
And, dear friends, what's even worse,
He doesn't scratch or spit or belch,
He doesn't even curse.
What kind of guy is he?

CHORUS
Tinky Winky is a fairy.
Moral Morons must be wary.
Ignorance like their's is scary.
And Tinky Winky's gay.

I have seen his little triangle
Where it sits upon his head,
And we all know it's a symbol
For the shame that can't be said.
Now we have to purge this danger
Or our little boys will wed
A wife whose name is Ed.

CHORUS

His defenders say his purse is nothing
But a magic little bag.
That's a cover-up, as we all know,
He's just a little fag!
We cannot let a Teletubby
Appear in purple drag,
Moron more...