Hymn Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will more...

Battle Hymn Of Term Finals
(Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic) Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known. Chorus:
Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known. I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known Chorus:
Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known. They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an more...

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!
JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby more...

This man shows up at his doctor's office to get patched up. He has obviously been severely beaten about the head and shoulders. His doctor tapes him up and asks him, "What in the hell happened to you?"
"You won't believe this doc, it happened in church."
"In church? How?"
"The minister told us all to stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood up, I noticed the woman standing in front of me had her dress pushed up her butt. So I reached forward and pulled it out. She beat the crap out of me with her umbrella."
Several weeks later, the man shows up at his doctor, all beaten up again. Again the doctor patches him up and asks him about what happened.
"It happened in the same church."
"Again?"
"Yes. The minister told us to all stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood up, the same woman was in front of me, with her dress up her butt. The woman standing next to her noticed that and pulled it out. I knew more...

This fellow was walking down the street, when he met his buddy.
His buddy had two black eyes, so he said to him, "How did you get
those two black eyes?"
"Well, we were in church Sunday, and when we stood up to sing a
hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns.
So, being the gentleman I am, I reached down, and pulled the
dress free. She turned around, and hit me between the eyes," he
replied.
His friend said, "You mean to tell me that woman hit you so hard
it blacked both eyes?"
"No, said his friend, but when we stood back up to sing another
hymn, I tucked it back up in there for her."