Fortune Jokes / Recent Jokes
A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.
The Top 16 Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes
16'What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?'
15'Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.'
14'Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.'
13'It takes a tough man to make tender chicken from a cat.'
12'You will meet a tall, dark man, not a stranger, who will kill you. He will kill Ron also.'
11'This coupon good for free 1-year subscription to Windows Sources magazine.'
10'Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan.'
9'Spouse mad at you. No get special' wonton pork' tonight, Chester.'
8'Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids.'
7'A wise man tips 20% to avoid severe tire damage.'
6'An 87 year old hooker awaits you. Alright, let's see you add' ...between the sheets' to that one, smart guy.'
5'Man who look to more...
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!
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Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at more...
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Moral of the story:
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet? They never want to log off.