Fruit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece ofpaper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"

The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" "It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom more...

Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to
Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do
the heavy lifting for you!

Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas]
[Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer
of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic]
[passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little......
[boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have......
[not] [sometimes] [compulsively]. ..... [lied] [cheated]
[embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always]
[often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma]
[grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other
daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid
schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes
me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I more...

HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE
You will need the following: A cup of
water, a cup of sugar, four large brown
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon
of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice,
nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey and check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey
again. To be sure it is the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one
teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry
another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the
cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If
the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey and check for
tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the
whiskey. Now sift the lemon uice more...

Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they were shot and killed.

God comes down to them and said, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."

The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live.

God says to them, "Go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."

The first man came back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries up your butt without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."

The man puts 2 cherries up his butt, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.

The second man came back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your butt, I will give you more...

Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class "How many objects am I holding?" you would probably get different responses from different majors like...
Business: Two Juicy, delious apples that are on sale at my store.
Chemistry: 6x10^30 apple molecules
History: You are holding dinosaur poop
Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4
Education: Two Apples
Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax
Psycology: What objects?
Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples.
English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourshing in my time of need, you fill me up with...
Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha...Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect oportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I more...

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of diminutive rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was
meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric
apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent
visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nick.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated saccarinose fruit confections performing
choreography through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in
our nocturnal head-coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
Arctic-like gloom when more...