Fruit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three ecologists are exploring deep in the jungle searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual "let's boil them alive" orders, when he gets an idea.

"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.

Half an hour later, one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without changing his facial expression.

He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing more...

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
"Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat, trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks.
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on more...

How to make a fruitcake!:
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Directions:
1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
7. Turn off the mixer.
8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
13. Check the whiskey.
14. Now sift the lemon more...

You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you more...

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, "Don't.""Don't what?" Adam asked."Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said."Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!""No way!""Yes WAY!""Don't eat that fruit!" said God."Why?""Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked."Uh huh," Adam replied."Then why did you?""I dunno," Eve answered."She started it!" Adam said."Did Not!""DID so!""DID NOT!"Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island inhabited by cannibals, the chief said that he was a fair man, and that he wouldn't eat the men if they went into the rain forest and brought out a wheelbarrow of his favorite fruit.
The first man came out with grapes, and the chief said sorry, but I will give you one more chance, if you can push all of those up your bum without laughing, I will let you go.
The man gets to the last one and bursts out laughing, the chief asks him why he started laughing, the man replied, "I just saw my mate and he has a barrow full of coconuts!"

Ingredients

1 Cup water
8 oz mixed nuts
1 Cup brown sugar
1 Cup butter
1 tsp. Salt
2 Cup dried fruit
4 large Eggs
Juice of 1 lemon
1 tea spoon baking powder
1 bottle bourbon

Method

Sample the bourbon to check quality.
Take a large bowl.
Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl.
Add one tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn on the mixerer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry
it loos with a drewscriver.
Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.
Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?
Check the bourbon.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your more...