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A Collection of Lawyer Jokes



An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the more...

Since Santa knows if we've been bad or good, here are some, what
shall we say?. .. "inventive holiday ways" to call someone a nit
wit, and not upset Santa.
- A couple of shingles short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- His chimney's clogged.
- He got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.

Twas the "NET" before Christmas
When all through our house,
Not a creature was typing
nor moving a mouse.
Our Monitors hummed
and were glowing within,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas
would soon "Modem" in.
The teenagers were crashed
in their messy bedrooms,
and dreaming of boxes
With games such as Doom.
Mom back from aerobics
and done kissing me,
We just settled in for some
much needed ZZZ's.
When in the home office
there arose such a din,
I shot down the stairs,
Had the fax just come in??
Away to my keyboard
I leaped to my chair,
Typed in my password...
But no Fax was there!!
My screen came alive
it was wildly aglow,
The hard drive went crunching
The "One and the "O."
When what my bifocaled eyes
should I see,
But a Brand New Web Browser
not AT&T.
From server so rapid
(not one on the slates)
That I thought for a more...

Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.

Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.

Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.

Four bits shy of a full DEC.

Four cents short of a nickel.

Full of wisdumb.

Full throttle, dry tank.

Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)

Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.

Gears grind/don't always mesh.

Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.

One diamond short of a ring.

One dimension short of reality.

One drool bib short of neat and tidy.

One drop short of an empty bladder.

One flower short of an arrangement.

One flying buttress short of a cathedral.

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

One fruit short of a basket.

One gene short of a full chromosome.

One goose short of a gaggle.

One handle short of a suitcase.

One hot pepper short of an enchilada.

One inspection short of passing.

One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.

One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.

Two teenagers are sitting on a house porch after school one afternoon. Little Johnny comes walking down the road in front of the house. One of the kids leans over to the other and says, "Do you see that guy? We call him Little Johnny and he is the greatest wheeler dealer in the whole school. He can make a deal and get a trade for almost anything."

This first kid yells to Johnny and asks, "Hey little Johnny, whatcha carrying around with you?" Little Johnny yells back, "I have a sack of buttercups and I am going to go trade them for butter." The teen on the porch yells back, "That is silly! You cannot trade buttercups for butter!" But one hour later, Johnny comes back down the road carrying a bucket full of butter. The two kids on the porch just shake their heads and mutter, "That Johnny is the greatest trader of all."

The next day, the two teenagers see Johnny walking down the road again. One of the kids yells to more...

A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins. Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof, penguin everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The man promised he
would and drove off. The next day, the same highway, the same car, the same guy, the same cop and the same penguins - only this time the penguins were all wearing sunglasses! The cop pulled the guy over and said, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" "I did" said the guy, "Today I'm taking them to the beach!"