Fun Jokes / Recent Jokes

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

-Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
-Those who have it somehow believe those who don't are inferior.
-Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but doubt it's worth all the fuss that those who have it make about it.
-Many of those who don't have it would like to try it; phenomenon psychologists call E-Male Envy.
-It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any work done.
-In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
-If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
-We attach an importance to it far greater than its size and influence warrant.
-If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut' em up, and snort' em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, more...

One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven.

When he got there he met God.

God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?"

Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?"

So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the walls were white.

Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun.

Bill Gates choose Hell.


A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What happened??!!?"

God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo".

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa." Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000." This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, more...

This week, I am at home and playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is so easy, I thought I would share it with you.

1. Make the beds. What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.

2. Pick up dog poop in yard. It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two.

3. Drop your shirts off at the cleaners. Duh, I'm on vacation, I don't need them. Scratch three.

This is easy! What's the fuss? Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.

4. Clean out Tupperware cabinet. Uh, that's a hard one. Got it! Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.

5. Mop kitchen floor. The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie, go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6. Find something fun for the kids to do. That tinfoil in the microwave more...