Funds Jokes / Recent Jokes
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible. When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don’t bet on it. When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight. When you don’t have an education, you’ve got to use your brains. When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight. When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
A new dean had just arrived at Modern University and thought she might well profit from a discussion with her predecessor who had recently resigned. During a lunncheon meeting she asked the former dean how he had managed crises. His response was to give her three envelopes with the instruction to open #1 with the first crisis, #2 with the second crisis, and #3 with the third crisis. She accepted the envelopes and the rest of the luncheon was spent on pleasantries.
Things went extremely well for her during the first six months. However, she then discovered a major problem in the budget: the year was only half over and it was clear that she was going to overspend her budget by 10%. The ruckus she caused by pulling funds back from departments, failing to keep commitments, etc., was such that she was facing her first major crisis. She opened envelope #1 to find that it stated "Blame the prior dean for poor planning." This she did, and the crisis was muted.
The next year more...
1689 - Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691 - Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him. 1692 - Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit. 1703 - Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact. 1704 - Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705 - Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716 - After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar more...
The Obama administration should bar a $1.5 billion wind-farm project in Texas from receiving U.S. government stimulus funds because most of the power turbines would be made in China, Senator Charles Schumer said. I say build the wind-farm in DC and power it with all the hot air coming from Congress.