Gang Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this more...

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape." It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency ExamName:____________________
Gang:________________________1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got more...

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Two gang members have a big knife fight and really tear each other up. One guy ends up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe. He can't even move his lips.

He mumbles to the doctor, "When will I be able to laugh again?"

The doctor says, "Are you nuts? You almost died."

The guy says, "No kidding, Doc, when will I be able to laugh again?"

The doctor says, "You're nuts. You're sewn together with ten feet of thread. Why the hell do you want to know when you can laugh again?"

The guy says, "Because the other guy is getting married next week and I've got his penis in my coat pocket."

City of Los Angeles High Scoohl Math Profiency final Exam
Name:______________________________
Alias:_______________________________
Gang:______________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of ten shots and shoots 13 rounds at every drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload? What is the Maximum number of people he can hit?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Ricky for $320, and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does he have left? What is the street value of the remaining coke?
3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If his cut is $65 a trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800 a day crack habit.
4.Jerome wants to cut his half pound of Heroin to make 20 percent more profit. How many ounces will he need.?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and more...

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."