Garden Jokes / Recent Jokes

Howard aged 92 lives in a seniors home. Everyday he uses to take a walk in the garden and whenever he is tired he used to sit on a bench and think of his past accomplishents. There came Mildred aged 82 who used to do the same thing like Howard and on that day happend to sit beside Howard on the same bench. They started a conversation which lasted for hours and finally Mildred asked Howard what he misses most in his life. Howard replied "SEX"
Mildred: "You old fart even if I a hold a gun at your
head you will never get the standup at this age"
Howard: "But Mildred it will be nice if a
woman can hold my manhood for some pleasure"
Mildred: "Suely I can oblige you" and then she unziped Howard and held his manhood gently for him to get the satisfaction he wanted. This became a habit and they both enjoyed doing it everyday as a routine.
One day to Mildred's surprise Howard was not there and she wandered about in the more...

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a' man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." more...

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely. "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a' woman' for you." "What's a' woman', Lord?" "This' woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens more...

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting
tired of it.
So she goes to her neighbor and says, ''Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green.
What can I do about it?''
Her neighbor replies, ''Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do.
Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your
clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and
blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.''
Well, what the heck? She does it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
''So-so,'' she answers. ''The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are
all four inches longer.''
Guide for all women "A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY.I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY.I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED.I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO.Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG? I more...

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!
Love Bubba
At 4 the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police
showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under more...

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."