Garden Jokes / Recent Jokes
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "Theyre mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "Thats a daddy long legs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, were not having any of THAT in our garden."
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and more...
one day the little boy asked his mom if he could take a shower with her she said ok but don't look up or down.he did when he looked up he said what are those mommy? she said those are my spotlights. he looked down whats that mommy? thats my garden.
the next day he asked his dad if he could get a shower with him he said ok but dont look down.he did whats that he asked thats my snake.
later inthe night the little boy woke up from a bad dream, so he crawled in bed with his parentswhen he lifted up the blankets he screamed hurry up mommy turn on your spotlights there is a snake in your garden!
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove more...
God and the ComputerIn the beginning there was the computer. And God typed: %>Let there be light! #Please login. %>login God #Password?. %>Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Technocrat #And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %>Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create light #Done %>Run heaven_and_earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12: 02: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Monday, March 2. %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters which are under and above the firmament #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create firmament #Done. %>Run firmament #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12: 02: 00 AM, Monday, March 2. #And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and more...
Little Johnny was playing outside in the garden one day when he pulled a worm from it's wormhole. Johnny's grandfather, who had seen the whole incident approached Johnny with a devious grin upon his face. He placed a $10 bet with Johnny that Johnny wouldn't be able to put the wriggly worm back into it's hole. Johnny gleefuly accepted the wager and proceeded to the house with the worm in his hand. It wasn't long until Johnny came back from inside the house and carefully threaded the worm back into it's hole. His grandfather gazed in awe at this amazing feat and told Johnny that he would give him the $10 if Johnny explained to him exactly how he managed to thread the worm back into it's hole. Johnny proceeded to tell his grandfather about how he sneaked into his sister's room and covered the worm with his sisters hair spray until the worm was rock hard so that he could simply thread the worm back into it's hole. His grandfather duly honoured his word and handed the money over to Johnny. more...