Gas Jokes / Recent Jokes

A MAN'S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car. 7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas. 9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep. 11. Get up at 3 A. M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "Im sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

I have always been a critic of Seattle driving, but recently I had a chance to see how others drive in far away countries, such as China. Since then, I have developed a profound respect for how we drive here in the Northwest. Why? What could be so bad about the driving in China? Here is a collection of short observations I have made riding in the Great Country of China. While Driving in China........................... Traffic signals are (how should I put it...) optional. Right of way is determined by vehicle weight. On any given street every car is driving parallel, but none will be driving co-linear. In taking any 3 consecutive Chinese drivers, 1 will be driving over the median. In merging lanes, Chinese drivers feel the need to drive neck and neck until the last moment when one finally chickens out. Whenever a Chinese person crosses the street by foot, he will not consider such meaningless factors as how many cars are on the road, or how fast they are going. If while crossing the more...

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters U. F. O. printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked Does U. F. O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object? The alien answered, No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!

Where does the dentist get his gas?...At the filling station

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

The 1997 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend`s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns` clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in more...

So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said, "This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?" He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."