Gas Jokes / Recent Jokes

Yo Mama is like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump!

An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away. A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down. A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, "She was waving a firearm."

You might be a redneck if...

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a' cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs' round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U. S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘General Car Fault’ warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a more...

John and Cathy were driving through Arkansas farmlands on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel
gauge, John decided to stop at the next gas station and fill up. About five minutes later, he spotted one and pulled over to the
high octane pump.
"What can I do fer y'all?," asks the attendant.
"Fill her up with high-test," replied John.
While the attendant was filling up the tank, he started checking out the car. "What kind of car is dat?" he asked, ". . . never
seen one like it b'fore." "Well," responded John, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy, is a 1997 Mercedes Benz."
"What all does it got in it?" asked the attendant. "It has everything," John said. "It has power steering, power seats, power
sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-deck CD player, 8-speaker stereo, disks brakes all around, leather interior,
digital more...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really dosen't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I' ve farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't
smell and are silent.
The doctor says," I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, I don't know what medicine you gave me, but my farts... although sill silent..... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."