Gas Jokes / Recent Jokes

Allegedly a letter to the Home Economist:

SIR:

Mr. Gates' arguments may also be applied to the electricity utility business. If I were the head of Gates Gas & Electric, the first thing I would do is declare that we sell energy systems, not power, and that customers tell us that they want a familiar energy environment wherever they go

The first step would be to integrate a smart fridge into the overall energy system as it is the first appliance opened by most users and real-time monitoring of beer temperature increases satisfaction with the energy environment for 78% of all customers

Customers would be free to use other fridges, even making someone else's their default appliance. However, if they try to remove the Gas & Electric fridge their television and air conditioner might not function properly. When a circuit fails in an older home we would repair it with a' service pack' that also installs our fridge, eventually introducing all more...

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked." Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly. A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again." Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said -"What a cute little fart!"

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Gas Attack
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."
"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions.
Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!
Doctor, more...

Yo mama's so fat

- Yo Mama's so fat, she couldn't fit in a satellite photo. - Yo Mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose - Yo Mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes - Yo Mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs - Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: "Free Willy! free Willy!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code - Yo Mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise - Yo Mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L. A., Chicago... - Yo Mama's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance. - Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she more...

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks' If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells,' You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says,' Are you kidding me? I'm naked.'' Well,' replies the man' Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant' You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped'' I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies,' he's too far in.'

A senior gas company training supervisor and a
young trainee were out checking meters in a
suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at
the
end of the alley and worked their way to the
other end.
At the last house, a woman in her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas
meter. Having finished the meter checks, the
supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a
foot race down the alley
back to the truck -- just to prove that an older
guy could outrun a younger one.
As they at last came running up to the truck,
they forgot to check who had won since they both
realized the lady from that last house was
huffing and puffing right behind them. They
stopped immediately and asked her what was
wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two
man from the gas company running away from my
house as hard as you two were, I figured I'd
better run more...