Gate Jokes / Recent Jokes
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1. Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
Overcharging fees to many clients.
3. Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile....
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says," Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
During a busy Pre-Christmas day atSydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long lineof inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. Heslapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and ithas to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir.I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm surewe'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. HeSCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who Iam?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public addressmicrophone. "May I have your attentionplease?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passengerhere at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing more...
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing during more...
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." more...
A German, an Italian, and a goofy American were trying to get into the stadium at the Sydney Olympics, but the seats were all sold out. The enterprising German stripped down to his shorts and undershirt, picked up a cane fishing pole in a nearby alley, and marched right in stating boldly, "Heinrich Schneider, Germany, Pole Vault."
Noting the ease of entry, the Italian took off his outer garments, grabbed a large round stone, then just as boldly strode in the gate, announcing, "Pasquale Galento, Italy, Shot Put."
Not to be outdone, the American guy took off all but his BVD'S, went into a nearby hardward store were he purchased some barb-wire. As he approached the gate the American spoke out confidently, "Hans Dumbkopfski, USA,, Fencing."
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers 1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. 6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. 10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring more...
A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate
keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."
"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you? "