Gate Jokes / Recent Jokes

What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night? No wonder you called the company Microsoft

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denvers old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."The agent replied, "Im sorry sir. Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im sure well be able to work something out."The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microp hone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing more...

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are infamous for being a short tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your parking location but also how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (United 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and the pilot of a British Airways 747 (callsign Speedbird 206).

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206, clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird: "Standby, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didn't stop."

A preacher dies and goes to heaven, where he's greeted at the gate by St. Peter. "Who are you?" St. Peter asks. "I'm Joe Brown. I'm a preacher. I've been preaching the Word of God for 50 years!" "Hmmm..." Peter says. "Let me go check and see if you can come inside." Peter wanders off into Heaven. While he's gone, someone else comes to the gate and knocks. Peter promptly returns to the gate and asks the new arrival: "Who are you?" "I'm Stan Smith," the guy replies. "Stan Smith? Stan Smith *the pilot*???" Peter exclaims. "Why, that's right," the guy replies.

Peter throws open the gate and ushers the new arrival inside with an enthusiastic "Come in! Come in!" "What about me?" asks Preacher Brown. "Give it a few more minutes - we're still checking," Peter replies, and shuts the gate again.

After what seems like hours, Peter comes back to the gate and opens more...

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven and each will have to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with almost all of its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?". And St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven didn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, uncharitably decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed. "1228".
"That happens to be correct, go ahead."
St. Peter turned to the Lawyer: "Name them."

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a southwest airlines employee: "there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "thank you for flying delta business express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a more...