Gender Jokes / Recent Jokes

Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."

Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In Spanish, for example, this determines whether you use el or la in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few recommendations:SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom more...

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman: A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT". When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty. A modem won't say a word if you come home late. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT`S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn`t it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It`s a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU`RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can`t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT`S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY more...

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the s#it out of you Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive,caring and good more...

Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left more...

HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it`s the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he`s right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn`t want to go more...