Gender Jokes / Recent Jokes

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man,
One without a wedding band.
One good man who's sweet as pie,
Who brushes his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair
So never mind this stupid prayer
The more...

Continuing Education Courses for Women
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is Hi
Valuation: Just Because It`s Not Important to You. . .
Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
Introduction to Parking.
Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
Water retention: Fact or Fat.
Cooking I: more...

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains =. .. and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a more...

Advice From Men To Women

Never buy a `new` brand of beer because `it was on sale.`

If we`re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn`t mean we`re not watching it.

Don`t tell anyone we can`t afford a new car. Tell them we don`t want one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Please don`t drive when you`re not driving.

Don`t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We`re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn`t trying to be brave. He`s just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything`s okay, a simple `Yes` is fine.

========================================================
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money more...

A MAN`S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven`t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA`S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON`T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don`t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON`T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can`t believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don`t like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I`LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I`m ready, but I`m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I`LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I`m just being nice; there`s no way I`m going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I`M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We`re gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them more...