General Jokes / Recent Jokes
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT-- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company`s 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year`s worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, `Oh, boy, more...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a dayEvery time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new carOccasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive onOccasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engineOnly one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT". But then you more...
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? A: Not enough cement. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? A: Another lawyer. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A: The vulture eventually lets go. Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money. Person 2: Why do you say that? Person 1: Listen to this from his bill:' For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25. 00'. more...
Kofi Annan (shown at left with U.N. peacekeeping force) gave his last official speech before stepping down as Secretary General.
In commenting on his tenure Annan stated the five principles he considers essential: collective responsibility, global solidarity, rule of law, mutual accountability and substantial under the table payments to close friends and relatives.
The outgoing Secretary General said he looks forward to spending time with his family and plans to continue to be ineffectual and irrelevant.
The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women
End of Report
U.S. Attorney General's Office
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the more...
Upon a mandate from Congress that it was entirely too top-heavy with brass, The Pentagon posted an early retirement bonus. Any general to retire immediately would be guaranteed his full annual benefits-plus $300, 000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body that the general chose.
The first general to accept instructed the pension man to measure from the top of his bald spot to the tips of his toes: 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $21. 6 million.
The second general dictated a measurement from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes: 8 feet, 2 inches. His check came to $29. 4 million.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When asked where to measure, without hesitation the third general told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." The pension man told the general his order would be followed, saluted-and deferred to the medical officer for the more...