General Jokes / Recent Jokes
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from' E' to' F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to' E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more more...
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfectsalute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isnt it?"Well it wasnt a nice night, but the Private wasnt going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!"The General continued, "You know theres something about a stormy night that I find soothing, its really relaxing. Dont you agree?"The Private didnt agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!"The General continued "I more...
Breaking News - GM has laid off so many motor production workers thatit has decided to change it's name from General Motors to General Motor
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said,' Halt, who goes there?'
The chauffeur, a corporal, says,' General Wheeler.'
'I'm sorry, I can't let you through. My orders are that you've got to have a sticker on the windshield.'
The general said,' Drive on!'
The sentry said,' Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.'
The general repeated,' I'm telling you, son, drive on!'
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said,' General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?'
Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team's woeful record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the more...
A young man who had just recently joined the Marines had lost his rifle on the day before a big inspection by a visiting general. However, being very adept at woodcarving, he set about making a replacement. The paint had just dried when it was time for the inspection. He prayed that his fake would not be inspected too closely.
When his platoon was told to fire in unison, he made all the right motions and figured no one would notice, but the visiting general happened to be looking right at him and saw that no smoke came from the gun.
The general came over and said, "Soldier, you didn't fire your gun. This is an official inspection. You were to fire the gun and then dismantle it for my personal inspection."
The young man was horror stricken but only for a moment and then he replied, "Sir, today is the anniversary of the day that my father died. On his deathbed, he made me promise never to fire a gun on this day. I have kept that oath and I can not fire the more...