German Jokes / Recent Jokes

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much..."So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%."The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"

So this bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"

"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?"

"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant more...

There was a French man, a German man and an American man. They were all travelling together on a far off island looking for
treasure. They soon ran into a group of canibals who wished to
eat them. The leader spoke up and said:
"Here, you may kill yourselves with a weapon of your choice,
then we shall eat you and save your skins to make our canoes."
The French man said "Here's to all the wine in Bordeaux, from my
wonderful country," then he shot himself in the head.
The German man said "Here's to all the beautiful women in my
beloved country," then he stabed himself through the heart.
The American said "Here's so that you can't make me into a
canoe," then he stabbed himself several times all over his body
with a fork.

There is a American guy, a German guy, and Santa Claus. The american guy walks int he bar and says what is the bar drinkin record. The bartender says 0. The american guy says give me 50. He drinks them all and goes to the bathroom. A gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eats your balls eat your wennie.
The German guy walks in the bar and says whats the bar drinkin record. The bartender says 50. The German guy says give me 100. He drinks them all and goes to the bathroom. A gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eat your balls eat your wennie.
Then Santa Claus walks in and says whats the bar drinkin record. Thae bartender says 100. Santa says give me 200. He drinks the all and goes to the bathroom. Again the gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eat your balls eat your wennie. Santa says well im the gohst of Christmas past touch me balls i kick your ass!

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all more...

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you more...

In Heaven:

The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.In Hell:

The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.