German Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, "I would like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy says, "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?" Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

The guys says, "Then why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

“What do they do here? ”

He was told, ” First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day. ”

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.


He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here? ”

He was told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and beats more...

A man walks into a store and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "I take it you’re Polish?"
The man, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the man says, "Well, then why did you assume I’m Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
"Because you’re at Hardware House."

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are infamous for being a short tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your parking location but also how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (United 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and the pilot of a British Airways 747 (callsign Speedbird 206).

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206, clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird: "Standby, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didn't stop."

Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? A: It seats 500.

Yesterday I visited a translation website and translated some Christmas
carols into other languages, then back into English. The results as follows:

Jingleglocken, jingleglocken, jingle completely.
Oh which fun it is to ride into a horse-opened sleigh.
("Jingle Bells, translated into German and then back into English)

Ring of sleighbells, are you listening?
In the track the snow is shining.
A beautiful vista, we are tonight happy,
Walking in the country of the wonders of the winter.
("Winter Wonderland, Spanish)

Icily Snowman a lucky merry soul
With one was formed from a key corncob,
And the nose and two eyes, those from coal.
("Frosty the Snowman, German)

Rudolph the red-nose reindeer has had a nose a lot polishes,
And if you never saw it, you would even say that she emits light.
("Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Italian)

You would improve the clock more...

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much..."
So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.
Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%."
The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"