German Jokes / Recent Jokes

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Germany.
Germany, who?
Germany people knocking at your door!

A Broadway bookie was given a parrot in lieu of cash payment. The bird's vocabulary included choice phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie hauled the bird off to his favorite bar.
"Speaks four languages," he said to the bartender, who snorted in disbelief. "Wanna bet this bird can speak four languages?" the bookie challenged.
Annoyed, the bartender finally agreed to a ten-dollar wager. The bookie turned to the parrot and said, "Parlez-vous frangais?"Theve was no response.
Nor was there any reply to the question in English, Spanish or German. The bartender picked up the bookie's sawbuck from the bar and went about his business.
On the street, the bookie glared at the bird. "You fink!" he exclaimed. "I've got ten bucks riding on you and you clam up on me. I oughta strangle you!"
"Don't be a jerk," the parrot replied. "Just think of the odds you'll get more...

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession. He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic." The priest said, "But that`s not a sin! I wouldn`t feel bad about that if I were you!" "But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed." The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn`t the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don`t worry about it too much; God forgives." The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Heaven:
An American salary.
A British home.
Chinese food.
A Japanese wife.
Hell:
A Chinese salary.
A Japanese home.
British food.
An American wife.
or...
Heaven is where the Lovers are Italian, the Engineers are German, the Police are British, and it is all managed by the Swiss.
Hell is where the Lovers are Swiss, the Engineers are British, the Police are German, and it is all managed by the Italians!

A detective can only solve a case after he's been suspended from duty.
Should you ever decide to defuse a bomb, there's no need to worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Eiffel Tower is visible from any window in Paris.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down days before their retirement.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince whenever a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If women are staying in a haunted house, they should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
When they are alone, all foreign people prefer to speak to each other in English.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make certain they are assigned a more...

Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
A: Only the first one can make you smile.
Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini?
A: About 25000 if you've got a shovel
Q: What is the definition of the European Heaven?
A: British humour, French food, German technology.
A: What is the definition of the European Hell?
A: British food, German humour, French technology.
Q: Why are so many Germans born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a Squarehead through a round hole?

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
During all police investigations it will be more...