Giant Jokes / Recent Jokes

Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone!

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur? ” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the more...

Apparently a computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

This joke is from the opening paragraph of Stephen Hawkings book,
"A Brief History of Time."
A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a
public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around
the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast
collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a
little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: "What you have
told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the
back of a giant tortoise."
The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the
tortoise standing on?"
"You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady.
"But it's turtles all the way down!"

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

Your Captain Might Be A Redneck If... Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a monthHe paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacellesYou have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"He refers to Klingons as "Critters"He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foilThere is a stuffed possum in the Ready RoomHe installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer sectionHe says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"He resigned his command because he always wanted to own a fireworks standHe hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreenHe rewires his communicator into his belt buckleHe replicates items from the Graceland gift shopThe primary colour of the Starship is "bondo"He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above itHe says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "E"gage"He can't wait to go off-duty, so more...

-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.
-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.
-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.
-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.