Glasses Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "but I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

The Scot told his wife, "Be sure now to take off your new eye glasses if you're not looking at anything."

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."The man at the door says, "Come on in."The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts more...

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you''re applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."

"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."

"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that''s giving the interview doesn''t tike to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."

"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."

The interviewer is more...

Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils. Inhale your food.
Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"
Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch' em and proceed to make this meal yourself.
After finishing your more...

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you to see this. ” She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment? ”
He responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms! ”

The Beer Prayer^
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he more...

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you? ”
“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years! ”