Glasses Jokes / Recent Jokes
A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes... cant see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor hes very depressed. Doc says, "Whats the problem... didnt the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered Ive been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Chico once went to the doctor due to stomach trouble. The doctor prescribed plenty of milk and gave Chico a bottle of pills. "I`ll stop by this evening and see how you`re doing," the doctor said. "In the meantime, drink at least four glasses of milk. Milk is the ticket for curing your trouble. So drink plenty of it." That evening, the doctor returned, examined Chico and told him, "You`re much better this evening. Just be sure you don`t drink any milk. Not one glass. It`s not for you." "But, doctor," Chico exclaimed, "only this morning you told me that milk was what I needed and that I should drink four glasses of it." "Well, what do you know?" the doctor replied. "It certainly goes to show that we`ve made tremendous progress in medicine since the last time I saw you."
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man`s broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years more...
To commemorate her 69th birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was' My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie' Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!)-
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating more...
Men seldom make passes At girls who wear glasses," So Dorothy Parker has said. She said it quite rightly, They're very unsightly, But no one wears glasses to bed.
“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you? ”
“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years! ”
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!""Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b.. broken in an accident," stammered the private." Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the private." Well then, what is it?" "I'd rather not tell you sir...""Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private." Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?" "You see, she crossed her legs....."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "Ive suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War. .. Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the mans back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the mans glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the mans eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Dont touch me!" he cried, "Im on a disability pension."