Goddamn Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day, a man went into a bar, looked at the barman and ordered a double whisky. He drank it quickly and ordered another one. The barman leaned over and asked him "Are you all right mate?" and then man put down his glass and said "No, I am bloody well not! I've had the worst day of my life!!" and the barman says "Tell me about it". So the man starts his story.
"It all began when I was round this womans house, and me and her were having sex. Then I hear this noise and its her goddamn husband!! So I panic, throw my clothes on, and I jump out the window, and hang on by my fingertips!!"
"Gee" says the Barman "Thats pretty bad"
"You haven't heard the half of it!!" said the man "Next, her husband jumps in bed with her, has sex with her, and when he's finished he tosses the condom out the window and it lands of my goddamn head!!"
"Woah" says the barman "I can see why you're more...
Man walks up to bank teller and says"I wanna open a damn savings account" Teller says "thats fine sir, but you dont have to use profanity", to which the man replys,"just let me have a goddamn savings accout." "Sir, the teller says, that type of language will not be tolerated here, perhaps you should speak to my boss." "FINE, says the man, get the son of a bitch."The tellers boss comes over and says,"what seems to be the problem?" The man says,"I just won 5 million in the lottery, and all I want to do is open a goddamn savings account." and the boss says,"And this Bitch wont help you?"
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, more...
A Nun and her friend, Sarah were playing golf. Sarah misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the nun says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you." Next hole Sarah misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the nun says, "ONE more time Sarah, and God will punish you!" Then Sarah misses a neoot putt and says "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!" Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the nun dead with a bolt of thunder. God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"