Granted Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk.Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked down and said to the man, "Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?" The man said "No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, "I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex."
So I said, "How about a little head?"

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked down and said to the man, "Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small head. What's the deal?"
The man said "Oh, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore.
One day, a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return safely to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, 'I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.'
So, I said, 'How about a little head?'"

God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action
suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a
temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the
cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in
the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would
come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to
make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire:
that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would
turn the light off half the time. God agreed and said he would call the
light "Day" and the darkness more...

A rabbit and a bear were walking thru the woods when they saw a magic lamp. They ran up to it and the genie came out.
"I'll grant u 3 wishes each for freeing me. The bear can start," said the genie
"I wish every bear in the entire forest, except me, was a female!" said the bear.
"Wish granted," said the genie. And then the rabbit took his turn.
"I wish I had a motorcycle that could go faster then anything in the world" said the rabbit.
"Wish granted," said the genie. And a shiny new motorcycle stood in front of the rabbit.
"Ok," said the bear, "I wish every bear in the country, except for me, was a female!

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.Then God said, "Let there be light."Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." more...