Gross Jokes / Recent Jokes
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, more...
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
While on the obstacle course in bootcamp, we had to lay on a rope and pull ourselves along.
When I got to the other end and got my feet on the ground I asked my M/CPL if I could do that again.
When he asked me why, I retorted with, "Well I have a groove down my left nut, I would like to put a groove down my right nut so they would match up again."
This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.
Two old timers, who were always setting on the dock, thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, "Son, when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well, you know!"
The new groom said, "Well, normally that's what I would do, but she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "Well, son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? Everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "Yes, I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice; "Sonny, in times like more...
There lived a Chinese and an American in a hotel. One day, the Chinese felt thirsty, so he decided to get a drink of water. So he went to the public refrigerator, took a can of coke, and drank it. Then he wanted to go pee, so he peed in the can, closed the cap, put it back in the fridge, and hid in a corner.
The American came a few minutes later. He took the can, took a sip, and then the Chinese man popped out from his hiding place and said:
"Me Chinese,
"Me play joke,
"Me go pee-pee in your coke!"
*SOCK*
Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."
So the two cannibals start eating.
After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"
The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"
The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"