Group Jokes / Recent Jokes

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?""Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.."And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest."Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.

Mary was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police lined up all the prostitutes on the street, when Mary's grandmother walked past. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter.
Grandma asked Mary, "What are you lining up for."
Mary, frightened to let grandma know the truth said "Some people are passing out free oranges and I'm lining up for some."
Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry.

Dave had obtained a new hunting dog and was raving about it to his colleagues at work endlessly. The dog could do this, the dog could do that, the dog was amazing, etc. Finally, after three weeks of listening to this, Dave's coworkers demanded to go on a hunt with Dave and his dog so they could see the dog in action for themselves.
The following weekend, they all went duck hunting in the fields and after the sun rose, Dave turned the dog loose to hunt. The damn dog was gone for three hours and everyone, including Dave, was getting anxious about what had happened to the dog. Finally, the dog comes romping into camp with a stick in its mouth and immediately jumps on Dave's leg and started humping his leg and furiously shaking the stick in its mouth. The other members of the group were busting out laughing at this ridiculous display and berating Dave over how stupid his dog was. Finally, Dave quieted the group and explained the dog's actions thus:
He's telling me "There are more...

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…” “What’s wrong with that, Johnny? ” the pastor asked. “Well, ” answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time. ” A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…” “What’s wrong with that, Johnny? ” the pastor asked. “Well, ” answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time. ”

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumicestones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine."Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identifythe taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacherhad them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every oneof the children was stumped."I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something yourDaddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouthand shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. more...

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.
Bulls are color blind.
A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose.
Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.
The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2,200 people.
Emus can't walk backwards.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of bears is called a sleuth.
Twelve or more cows is called a flink.
A baby oyster is called a spat.
Some fleas have split penises like a Y shape
An elephant can be pregnant for up to 2 years
Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down.
The average garden-variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
A mule won't sink in quicksand but a donkey will.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
Animal breeders in Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with more...