Guest Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company`s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it". At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer`s microphone. "Where is my father?" he asked. There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa. Clever Guest laughed. "Actually", he said, "My father is dead"! It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question more...

A shy bachelor was posted as ambassador to Peru. At a reception and dance given by him in the embassy, he spent more time with his whisky bottle than with his guests.
Emboldened by the intake of spirits he decided to ask what appeared to him his most important lady guest, to dance a Viennese waltz with him. The guest turned down the request with the following words:' There are three reasons why I will not dance with you. The first is that you have obviously had too much to drink. The second is that the orchestra is not playing a Viennese waltz - it is playing the Peruvian national anthem. And thirdly, I am the Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires.'

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

A guest visited a family from afar. Though the host had many chickens and ducks milling around his courtyard, he told his guest that he didn't dare to ask him to stay for dinner due to his shortage of suitable food for dinner. The guest instantly asked the host to lend him a knife to kill his riding horse so they could eat it for dinner. The host asked," Then, how can you ride home?" The guest answered," Just lend me one of your fowls to ride."

My penis is so big, I live in his guest room.

It was a large, lavish dinner party and many important dignitaries and members of society were there.

"I suppose I mustn't offer you wine," said the hostess to the guest of honor seated on her right. "Aren't you the chairman of the Temperance League?"

"Oh, no," replied her guest with a smile, "I'm the head of the Anti-Vice League."

"Oh, of course," said the embarrassed hostess, "I knew there was something I shouldn't offer you."

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.
"What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg (barrel) of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached more...