Ruin Jokes

"I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you - it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person".
"Yeah, I'd love to f! ck your brains out, but apparently someone BEAT ME TO IT!"
"Are your parents cousins?"
"I know cement that gets hard faster than you."
"Your teeth are so yellow; I can't believe it's not butter."
"Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed more...

1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb... and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner
5. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ‘em. -Sue Grafton
8. I’m not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
9. I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz more...

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton 2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong 3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner 4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner 5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman 6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck 7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing' em. -Sue Grafton 8. I'm not going to vacuum' til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr 9. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead

Q: How do you ruin a French party?

A: Flush the punch bowl.

The Titanic, on her maiden voyage, just set sail from the shores of England. It was the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody is very excited. No expense has been spared - the vast dining rooms, casinos, hundreds of neatlygroomed waiters and polite service staff, string quartets, the works. Every night at the bar, they had this magician come on and perform the most wonderfully amazing tricks of conjury the world had ever seen. It's the first night of the voyage, and everyone is eager to see this great man at work, except there was one slight problem. There was this parrot, who'd sit on the bar top by the peanuts, and ruin each trick as the magician performed them. Each time, the parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed, and say things like, "Squark! It's up his sleeve!" or "Sqeeek! He's hidden it in the hat!" etc., and ruin the trick for the magician. Every time, the parrot would do this, and the magician would get madder and madder more...