"Insults" joke
"I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you - it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person".
"Yeah, I'd love to f! ck your brains out, but apparently someone BEAT ME TO IT!"
"Are your parents cousins?"
"I know cement that gets hard faster than you."
"Your teeth are so yellow; I can't believe it's not butter."
"Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...almost lifelike!
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"You are so ugly the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper."
Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.
ur momma so fat that whenever she went to get her blood drawn the results came back gravy.
A cop pulled a guy over for speeding at which time the following conversation was exchanged:
Cop: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: Sorry, I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Cop: May I see the owner's card for the more...
A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.