Guilty Jokes / Recent Jokes

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks:

"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman,

"Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not more...

Here is another installment from The Man himself - this was taken from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" (surprise).
When in doubt, howl your innocence:
"No way!"
"I've been framed!"
"I didn't do nuthin'!"
"Lemme see my lawyer!"
WHAT IS TROUBLE? The experts explain.
Expert #1: Trouble is bad. It messes up yer mind, causes shame, and annoys big grumpy adults. Trouble is one of the leading causes of spankings in the world today.
Expert #2: Trouble is the maladaptive social response of an inquisitive youth to a stultifying educational environment.
Expert #3: Trouble is fun, except when you get caught. My problem is, I always get caught.
BASIC TROUBLE: Whispering, squirming, passing notes, chewing gum, talking, drawing cartoons
ADVANCED TROUBLE: Hiding all the blackboard erasers, stealing back your confiscated yo-yo from the teacher's desk, throwing water balloons, squirting water on the more...

Frederick II, the eighteenth-century King of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.
Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.
'You,' he called. 'You there.'
The prisoner looked up. 'Yes, Your Majesty?'
'Why are you here?'
'Armed robbery, Your Majesty.'
'And are you guilty?'
'Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment.'
At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, 'Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid more...

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

One day padre lost his bicycle. He was very distraught and consulted a friend about what to do. "It must be a member of your congregation who took it," said his friend. "Next Sunday after your sermon, read out the ten commandments. When you come to' thou shalt not steal'; pause and take a good look at the congregation. The one who stole it will look guilty and you will be able to spot him."
The following Sunday the friend asked the padre if he had found his bicycle. "Yes, indeed," replied the padre, "its back with me."
"So you followed my advice and found the guilty man?"
"In a way," replied the padre. "When I came to' thou shalt not commit adultery', I suddenly recalled where I had left it."

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
(Just how guilty was he?)
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
(I say, give it to him.)
Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found
(What?)
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
(Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.)
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
(Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)

OJ Simposn has been found guilty at a court in Las Vegas of armed robbery and kidnapping. In a short statement, OJ said he was sorry---sorry the trial wasn't held in LA.