Gun Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off. How did this happen? The doctor asked. ”Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde replied. ”Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger? ”
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6, 000 for these boobs. Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $3, 000 to get my teeth straightened.
Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”
I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo! HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL... NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY... READ THIS Fire investigators more...
Which language is right for you?
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN. COLT(45), AIM AT LEG. FOOT, THEN WITH ARM. HAND. FINGER ON HANDGUN. COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN. COLT TO HIP. HOLSTER.
cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you more...
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up... you're next!"
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was strirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted
And he called dem by name
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me' side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' more...
The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi.
He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."